6/16/2005

Random Thoughts

With nothing really to do at work today, I've just been thinking about stuff...

For starters, Re'ale. I seriously think that I did more damage than good by telling him what was really up with me. Things aren't the same anymore. Our communication has dwindled, he doesn't seem that excited about being with me/around me anymore, and he doesn't even tell me at the end of our conversations "I'm feelin you" anymore. Again, maybe it's my paranoia or fear of being alone, but maybe it's just him trying to accept me now...I honestly don't know.

Second thought: what do I really want? A couple years ago that answer would have been simple: A good nigga that works (or is in school), is holding down his own, that isn't totally dependent on another, that wants to do things with his other half, that isn't a big club-head or into games, that isn't ASHAMED of who they are (in other words is NOT DL), that I can trust. Over time I withdrew some of the things I wanted because I wanted to be with someone so badly, that I sacrificed some of me to be with them. I kept taking away and taking away until there was nothing left. Then I entered the I-Don't-Give-A-Damn stage, where I just fucked niggas just to be fuckin niggas. Looking back at that, I realized that I allowed niggas to control me by sacrificing myself and my beliefs, just to feel wanted for a short while. Like Derek said in his journal:

Sure you have many partners and are possibly sexed out of your mind but at night when you wanna be held or when the thunder is loud....are those people you've been nutting with there to comfort you....When you need $20 more to cover that bill....are those niggas that were screaming your name there to bail you out.When you wake up one day and find yourself 50 or 60 years old with years of ass under your belt but no one to share dinner, vacation or retirement with.....then what?

Yeah I'm looking for the one brotha that I can hold...that will help me out...that I can retire with. ONE nigga. Yeah I may go on men4now and adam4adam (because I know some hatin bitch is probably reading this and wants to try and check me) but the good news is that once I get COMMITTED, that all stops.

On another note, I'm going to start mirroring this blog with my old blog on blogger.com, starting with this entry. At some point this particular blog will disappear and I'll switch back to blogger.

This by far will not be the only entry today. More later...