I'm having one of those moments where I just need to sit down and type out my feelings because I'm really frustrated right now.

For starters, I don't have that many true friends (actually I only have ONE true friend that I can call on and he'll drop everything to come and see about me). I have a handful of associates that I can call on the phone on occasion, but no one really that I can call a true friend (with the exception of the one I mentioned above). Only problem is that he's a straight guy; go figure.
I'm LONELY and can't find an outlet to not be so lonely. I go out to bars and people either (a) don't want to talk to me because I'm not white, (b) don't want to talk to me because I don't have a 6-pack and a 50 inch chest, or (c) just want to sleep with me because of that myth about black men (and believe me, for some, IT IS A MYTH).

There are a lot of other things upsetting me right now. For starters, the one person that truly gives a damn is 600 miles away in the DC area. I can't get to him when I'd like and vice versa. I want him with me so badly that it hurts when I realize that he's 600 miles away.
Then there's the usher ministry at my church. There are some old ushers (and some young ones) that talk down to people; that act as if I am their child. After being talked down to for the last time today, I have decided to take a leave of absence to get my sanity together. I don't want to do it, but before I forget that I'm in the house of God, I think I need to.

I just want to be happy and not so damn lonely. Yeah, I got the nice job, a few coins in the bank, my own business and someone that cares about me from afar, but why can't I find some honest people that I can interact with, have a good time hanging out with, and be cool with, without any alterior motives?

It's gotton to the point whereas I just want to sit in the house, watch TV, eat, and go to bed.

End Transmission.


Anonymous said...

I guess we all have those moments sometimes... Hopefully you'll find a "true local friendship" soon...

Love from P@ris.

Darius T. Williams said...

I can't say that I know how you feel - but you've gotta get out of that slump...it can usually be downhill from here if you don't take care of that.

Enoch_Root said...

Tim - hey man, stumbled on your blog while checking out the story on your choir minister and his sad death.

Decided to read a bit more on your blog and came across this post. For some reason, it struck a chord.

So, I figured I'd comment on it.

All of us feel terribly lonely from time to time. It is a real drag... and I know where you are coming from.

From reading your site a bit, I can see that you are a spiritual man. And this is crucial to the point I am going to try to make.

You've probably heard it all before, but what the heck. When you are a Christian, you are never truly alone. One of Christ's promises is that he would be with us until the end of time. And as a Baptized Christian, you must have faith that He is with each of His disciples to the extent that we allow him to take up residence in our hearts/souls.

Additionally, we must also, as Christians, have faith that God never gives us anything we cannot handle. His will is not to overwhelm us, but to give us the opportunity to grow in our Christian faith through our personal struggles. We must take the opportunities we are given to re-center on our relationship with the Christ. In this sense, it may very well be that God is asking you to re-focus on what is of real importance. You may be in the desert, so to speak. And, while my faith (denomination) is quite different than yours in many aspects, I must tell you that you may want to pick up a copy of St. John of the Cross' "Dark Night of the Soul". There is a period of time in our spiritual growth, according to St. John of the Cross, when we suddenly feel disconnected from the Christ... and this is the Dark Night of the Soul. He comments that it is God's way in which to help us develop an even deeper desire for the Christ in our lives. And he says that while it is disturbing for those who normally feel the Christ walking with them, it is actually good news in that it means the Christ is prompting us to grow in the faith to an even deeper level... but we are asked to bear this cross... we are called to plow through it, with faith. We must acknowledge that God has His plan for us.

Now, on a personal level: All of the theology aside, we are all human. Loneliness is an unfortunate part of being human. The key is to recognize that you always have you. It is sometimes difficult to be with oneself, especially when you feel isolated. But it is important to take advantage of the quietness that comes with loneliness.

As for going to bars. Well, I have nothing against bars, but I am not sure you are looking in the right place for quality companionship. I would suggest that there are better places to meet people.

From your post, though, I get the feeling you are truly depressed. It is very difficult for people who are of the more fair-weather variety to really handle seeing depression in others. As for close friends, it can be unbearable to watch a close friend being ground own by depression.

From experience, I would suggest that you need to see someone. The key to understand is that depression is not a personality disorder. In most cases, it is a brain chemistry issue. You may want to reflect on family members... you may find that there is a family history relating to depression. Normally, it runs with the genes.

Anyway, you are not alone. As a Christian, I am your brother in Baptism, and I am happy to help as I can. Do not dispair, my brother in Christ. You are never alone.

LMBaker0164 said...

Hi Tim,
I peek in on your blog every now and then to see how TUCC,"The Family," and You are doing. Let me say this: your postings are informative, witty and give me encouragement(spiritual). I am smiling right now reading this "frustrations" post.
The reason why is because you are growing and being shaped to the maturity that God wants you to be- I have gone through this fire process-it ain't fun, but its necessary. I have felt the same way, even longed for someone in DC (they have that effect on you..I think its voodoo)..and brother let me tell you, I know about the usher board...they can be hostile and caddy at times....
All of this is to say, take this time to work on You-pray, scream, work-out, write, get a new hobby, ect. At the end of this process you will be wiser, more appreciative and content with being with were you are in your growing process.
I consider you my brother in Christ and pray that you "hang in there,"finding the gems within your growing pains.
Take care of you Tim,
ps. You just got one more friend(smile)!

Tim said...

Thank you to everybody that posted well wishes. I really appreciate it.